Ernie wanted me to write a post about why we started this blog and what we hope to do with it, but I thought “Nah, that sounds boring. Forget that nonsense.” Instead we’re going to talk about masturbation.
Why are we randomly talking about masturbation?
Ernie and I got into a bit of a trifle the other day over a certain awkward subject. Do you masturbate thinking about the girl you like or are currently dating?
How did this come up in a conversation you may be asking? I suffer from insomnia and Ernie is under the belief that the real reason I struggle to sleep is because I’m “up half the night thinking and jerking off about the girl I’m too wimpy to ask out.” At first I thought he was just using this situation to tease me about her, but no, he was actually serious.
When I told Ernie that I don’t masturbate thinking about her or any girl I’ve ever dated he wouldn’t believe me. He started thinking it was because I have freaky, derogatory and objectifying thoughts while rubbing one out. I don’t. Nothing too weird (okay maybe just a tad) going on up there.
We have taken the two complete opposite ends of this argument.
Ernie is pro jerking off thinking about his girlfriend. He’s been in a long distance relationship with a girl on the other side of the planet for what must be nearing 10 years now. They see each other for maybe a couple of weeks each year. I suspect that thinking about her in those moments must give him a certain closeness to her since they almost never get to physically be with each other. I don’t mean anything sexual by that. I just mean your everyday physical interactions such as holding hands, hugging, carving up a hooker and dumping her body in the woods,
kissing, cuddling up on the sofa and so on.
Side note. I think I walked in on them one time while they were having one of their web shows together. He tried to play it off like he just got out of the shower, but there was a certain sweaty smell in the air. His girlfriend was awkwardly laughing on camera the whole time, but that’s a story for another time.
Over the years I’ve known some girls who have loved the idea of them being able to turn on their significant other during their “me time” without her even needing to be around, but I just can’t think of a girl I genuinely like in that way.
I know I’m not alone in thinking this way, but masturbation to me is a purely physical act. I’m just trying to bust a nut. I’m not emotionally detached enough to view a girlfriend or a girl I’m pining over as masturbation material. It’s not that I don’t find any of them sexually attractive, I obviously do otherwise I never would’ve dated any of them or be crushing on her. My attraction to a girl I’m dating or a girl I’m pining over is more than just sexual and I view masturbation as the solo equivalent of the shoot and scoot, the jizz and jet, the cum and run,
the nuts and bolts and I refuse to think about her in that way.
I’m reminded of a scene from the movie I Love You, Man.
“Sydney: When was the last time you did it, Pete?
Peter: I’m not gonna tell you that.
Sydney: Hey. Listen, you think of this place as a Cone of Silence, all right? I’m not gonna tell anybody any of the things you say in here. You have my word.
Peter: Zooey went to the Pasadena flea market with her friends last weekend, and I did it then.
Sydney: Well, that sounds lovely. What’d you use? Internet or DVD?
Peter: How do you get me to tell you these things?
Sydney: Come on.
Peter: I used a picture of Zooey in a bikini that I took when we were on vacation in Cabo San Lucas.
Sydney: Wait, you jacked off to a picture of your own girlfriend? You… That… Wow. That is sick. Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?
Peter: What’s wrong with that?
Sydney: Pedro, there is so much wrong with that, I don’t even know where to begin.”
So, if I don’t think about a girlfriend or the girl I’m pining over when masturbating, then who do I think about? Kate Beckinsale, Katrina Law, Zulay Henao, Melissa Santos, Joseann Offerman, Ivelisse Vélez and you can’t go wrong with MeInLeggings from Instagram. All of these ladies are in regular attendance at the spank bank. You may notice that the list consists primarily of Hispanic women….I may have a thing for Latinas. There ain’t no booty like Latina booty.
I have a question to everybody that is reading this blog. How often do you think about your girlfriend or boyfriend while masturbating?